One Year Later...

So, one year ago, I was preparing to take my boyfriend home for Thanksgiving to meet the rest of my family.  He'd already met my parents (who were sure he was THE one), but now he was going to meet my siblings and their families.  To be completely honest, I was totally nervous.  It was a 10 hour drive to my sister's, and we wouldn't have a break from each other for almost a week...that's a lot of time alone with me.

I was sure that by the end of it, he'd be running for the hills, and despite one fight, it went pretty well Now, one year later, I'm preparing to spend the holiday alone again.  I feel like failure, but more than that, I feel alone.  I believed it was real, but as it turns out, when things got tough, he completely cut me off.

Of course, the relationship was far from perfect, but I loved him and I was in it for the long haul.  Even after he hit me.  I did everything I could to keep the relationship going.  I was the one who initiated a conversation to try to sort out why he hit me and how we could move forward from there. I was the one who saw my own need for counseling because I knew that, even in the most minute way, I contributed to the ongoing problem that led up to the slap.  I was the one who kept the conversation going, trying to rebuild something I thought was worth fighting for.  I was the one who spent time trying to figure out what I wanted and tried to communicate that to him.  When that led him to stop talking to me, I was the one who reached out to apologize for asking for something I wasn't willing to do too.

He accepted my apology, of course, and even took some responsibility for how things went wrong, though I'm pretty sure he still saw it as all my fault. He did decide that he wanted to start over, and I went along, believing that he really did want a fresh start, that he had really changed, but as soon as I questioned his feelings, he was out.  Done. Finished. I think it was in that moment of reading his text (yep, he broke up with me via text) that I realized he never really loved me.  I think he wanted to, to have someone to take care of him, to be with him so he wouldn't be alone, but as soon as he was unhappy, that was it.

Honestly, maybe I should have sensed it.  I mean, I've always been the one to cut people out when they hurt me, but now I was one the other side of it, and it sucked.  All the unknowns, they why's.  But the worst thing was knowing that he was going to blame me for everything.  When it comes right down to it, everything, including the slap will be my fault.

When he tells his friends, people I've spent time with and genuinely liked, about the break up, I'll play the part of the bad guy.  He'll find a way to excuse slapping me, and I'm pretty sure that my mental health will be front and center in his story (yep, I suffer from depression, social anxiety, and I'm pretty sure some form of early onset dementia :P). That really shouldn't surprise me, though, because I spent the last 8 months listening to him tell stories about his mom, cousin, and friends, and in every story, he was the victim.  They all had way more problems than he does and he was really only involved with any of them because he felt obligated to be.  That's when I realized, that that's exactly what he was doing with me.  He put up with me because he wanted to be married, and he didn't care to who as long as he had someone to take care of him.

He saw me as nothing more than an ends to a means, and yet I was hopelessly in love with him.  I've tried so hard to just move on, accept defeat, but I can only think about how unlovable I am.  I mean, if I can't make a relationship work with a blind guy, how will any other guy love me.

I desperately want to reach out to him, but I know that it would only serve to feed my selfish desire for closure.  I want to yell, scream, rage at him, but that would only give him more ammunition against me.  Maybe the worst part is that his friends will accept blindly what he tells them.  He'll make me sound so terrible that they'll just coddle him and tell him how lucky he is to have gotten out when he did. I have to live with that, every day and it hurts.  Mostly because I know that none of these people are really doing him any good, because they're allowing him to continue to live in a world where he is the only victim and never does anything wrong.  That's a world I lived in far too long and it was a lonely, bitter place.

It took Ron White to finally make me see the error of my ways.  He was telling a story about doing a show at Ft.Polk.  He said that when he mentioned the number of men stationed there (about 40, 000), a woman yelled out, "everyone of them's a bad f&^$"  His response hit me hard.  He said, "You know I would think after about 39, 000 times, you'd start to go, 'Maybe it's me.  Maybe I need to read a book.'"  As soon as I heard that, I realized, I was the common denominator in every relationship that had gone sour, and it honestly changed how I relate to people (well, that along with The Peacemaker book by Ken Sande).  I try to see my fault, identify it, apologize and move forward.

I want to believe that eventually, one day he'll see himself as more than a victim, but it seems obvious that no one is going to point that out to him. I'm pretty sure that so many people tried to point that out to me, but it only became true for me when I finally saw it for myself.  I  hope he gets there, but I'm pretty sure that just my own selfish desire for vindication.

To the Boy who Broke My Heart...

It's been three weeks since I put the ball in your court, and from your lack of communication, I'm assuming you've decided that this relationship isn't worth fighting for, that I wasn't worth fighting for, and I'm sorry.  I'm sorry you didn't love me enough to see past my anxiety, my fears and my depression and fight. I can't say I'm surprised, but I am disappointed.  I believe that when you truly love someone, you stay and fight no matter what, and  I would have rather fought with you everyday to work through everything, even if it took the rest of our lives rather than lose you.

I knew that my anxiety and depression was getting worse with all the chaos at school, and I was trying to wait until the end of the school year, for things to slow down before I went to the doctor.  I thought I was strong enough to handle everything on my own and I was trying to hide it all from you. Because I wanted you to love me, and I didn't think you would once you saw how broken I really was.  Maybe I thought that you could save me. I just didn't want you to see me the way you saw Amy--as a burden.

That Friday we went to The Funny Bone, Karleen had just gotten angry with mfe and told me how disappointed she was with me, with my performace as a teacher.  She actually got angry enough to walk away from me, so I apologized for misunderstanding what she wanted and we talked it out. That afternoon, my ECI consultant, Sarah, came for our last meeting.  I told her about meeting with Karleen, hoping to get it off my chest.  I told her I didn't want you to know because I didn't want to ruin our plans for your birthday, but the truth is, I felt like a failure and I didn't want you to see me that way.  I wanted to be good enough for you, and I didn't think you would stay with me if you believed I was a failure.

I tried so hard to keep everything from you, pretending to be okay, maybe that's why my headache was so bad.  I cried in the bathroom of the hotel that night, reliving in slow motion her words, "I'm disappointed in you". I couldn't get those words out of my head, and I never wanted to hear them from you. I wanted to be everything you wanted me to be, and I did everything I could to make you happy, hoping you wouldn't leave me once I told you about my meeting with Karleen.

I never really got that chance though because out of nowhere, suddenly we were in a fight and I had no idea where I had gone wrong.  I had done everything you ever asked of me.  I got tickets to The Funny Bone. I drove to Des Moines, which scared the bejesus out of me.  I baked you a cake, and I hate to bake.  I was the doting, supportive girlfriend at church and then boom, you were done. There's this song by John Mayer called, St. Patrick's Day.  It's about a relationship where the two are only together until St. Patrick's Day because "no one wants to be alone at Christmas time, come January, we're frozen inside, making new resolutions a hundred times, February won't you be my Valentine, and we'll both be safe til St. Patrick's Day". These two were only together to get through the holidays, and I began to believe that you were only with me to get through to your birthday. I felt like a fool, like I'd been duped.

I know you felt like you couldn't be the initiator of contact after what happened and Darin took you back to Creston, and I have to admit I still wanted all of this to work out.  If only I could help you understand how you hurt me.  Instead, it became my fault, my problem.  If only I could get better, then we'd be able to put all this behind us and move forward.  The problem is, I don;t work that way. I need time to process and I needed to feel like we were in this fight together.

I actually got excited there for a while when we were talking more, thinking that we could actually make a go of it.  That maybe I overreacted.  Then we met for lunch, and as I got out of my car to meet you, I saw you had two bags of stuff for me.  Stuff that I'd left there, and my heart sank.  I felt like the only reason you wanted to see me was to get rid of this stuff, to get me out of your heart and your place for good. I tried to keep calm as we sat and ate, but I couldn't get that image out of my head. The longer we were together, the more I felt like you were just done, and all I wanted to do was run. I thought we were meeting to start over, but it felt more like goodbye.

So, I guess that's where we are.  Though I wasn't expecting an immediate response, I was expecting something, anything.  I was so hopeful, that I actually started keeping a list of stuff to tell you about whenever you texted me back, but you never did.  I have to accept that you are done with this relationship, and Jen told me that I should just "close it", so that's my plan.  I'm done fighting for someone who doesn't want me. I've bagged up all the gifts you gave me (minus the Pete the Dragon movie that I gave to Joel), and with this letter, I'm moving on.  I hope you can too.  I want you to be happy, to find someone who will be everything you want and need.

It's Over

My boyfriend and I broke up, well at least I think we did.  Things have been rocky since the day he slapped me across the face for calling him "a liar".  To be fair, I do have a tendency to call bullshit when I think someone is lying to me, and I apparently do it more than I should, but that doesn't excuse him slapping me.  Honestly, after it happened, I was in shock; completely confused as to what had just happened.  I thought we were happy; we had just spent the weekend in Des Moines celebrating his birthday at the Funny Bone Comedy Club.  He had filled in at the pulpit for my dad on Sunday where he gave a very powerful, moving message.  We even looked at a house just down the street from my parents.  Everything was great...until that slap.

I can't say I remember with any kind of clarity what exactly took place after that, but I do remember having a sense that things would never be the same again.  That even though I loved him and wanted to forgive him, the relationship was in a tailspin.  As we talked (quite a while after the slap), it seemed he was through with me; he couldn't even tell me he loved me.  I left the house in the middle of the night believing that it was over.

When I got up the next morning, he had apparently changed his mind.  He said he loved me and that he was sorry, but as soon as I scoffed at his words, he responded by saying, "That's it, we're done." Of all the things I had felt before, now I just felt hopeless.  In one breath, he said the words, "I love you" and "we're done".  I had no idea what to believe, so I left for work (a safe place for me in all of this).

After breaking down in tears and spilling everything that happened to one of my associates, I called my parents (who were inconveniently out of town), and told them what happened.  My mom had exactly the reaction I expected, "That's it; it's over".  My dad, too, reacted in just the way I suspected saying, "You know, everybody makes mistakes".  Though I knew that would be my dad's reaction, I still hoped deep down, that he would be more concerned about me, but he's a loving guy to the end.

The following weeks were filled with short texts, a meeting with my dad to try to "clear the air" and a lot of questioning and struggling on my part.  How did we get here? Is there something I could have done differently? How could this guy give such an amazing sermon and then slap me just hours later? Was he ever happy in the relationship, or did he just truly want a new family? Did he ever really love me? Did I really love him?

We continued texting, but I was usually the first one to make contact.  If I'm being completely honest, I was dying to talk to him about anything.  I thought about him all the time, and I was just looking for reasons to text him, mostly just stupid stuff; funny things that happened at work, dropping my phone and cracking my screen, jokes, crossword puzzle clues, ordering a new phone.  When I told him about having to get a new phone, he seemed excited that I would have to come to Creston (where he lives) to get it activated and that there could be a chance that we could share a meal. This gave me hope, that he still wanted to continue the relationship, so we met for lunch just a couple of weeks ago. It was awkward at best, mostly because he greeted me outside his apartment building with two bags of stuff that I had left at his place (dishes, Kleenex, a shirt...).  I have to admit, I was confused by this. Did he just want to see me to get rid of this stuff? Is he just cleaning me out of his apartment so that he can move on comfortably with is life?

We walked to a downtown restaurant and engaged in mostly small talk; stories about work, mutual friends, parents, and other random stuff.  We never once discussed how we got to this point, or where we were going to go from here.  We walked back to his place, he checked his mail and then invited me up to his apartment.  I declined the offer, mostly because I was tired, but I was uncomfortable too, as if I was eating with a perfect stranger. His parting words to me were, "Keep in touch".  Really, "keep in touch"!! Is your phone broken?  Why do I have to be the one to "keep in touch"?

It took me a while to understand that I didn't want to be the one to "keep in touch".  I wanted him to fight for me, for the relationship.  I believed that if he truly loved me (the way I loved him) that he would be dying to talk to me, to tell me he missed me, that he loved me, and he would want to know how things were going.  I texted him maybe once after we had lunch, hoping to start a conversation, but as soon as he was done talking about the question I asked, that was it, no more texts.  

I finally decided to tell him all the things I was feeling and what I wanted from him.  I wrote out this long text about how I wanted him to fight for me, for the relationship, I wanted someone who could love me even when I'm down and depressed, someone who would remind me that only God's opinion of my mattered.  In the last line of the text, I told him that the ball was now in his court, and you know what I got back....Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

So, I waited...one day, then two, three, four.  On day six, I went to counseling (the first since my counselor went on vacation). She asked me how things were going with him, and I told her that I felt that it was over.  I haven't heard from him at all since that text, and we're currently on day 10.  I wasn't really expecting a quick response, but maybe a "Got your message, thinking it over", but when I got nothing back for days, I was sad, disappointed.  I honestly keep checking my phone, hoping that he'd text or call, but he's obviously decided that being with a woman who struggles with anxiety and depression is too much work for him.  I'm not good enough to be with him.  Maybe that's what hurts the most.

You see, I knew from day one that some day I'd be in this position, but I still wanted to believe that it was possible that someone could really love me, all of me, crazy and all. I allowed myself to be happy, to believe that it could be real, all the while waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to decide that we weren't meant to be.  That weekend, celebrating his birthday in Des Moines, I remember telling him that if he were going to change his mind about our being together, that he do it before he put a ring on my finger (one that he'd supposedly already bought).  Looking back, that's exactly what happened, just not how I envisioned it.

So, I guess my boyfriend and I broke up, but I wish I knew if he ever really loved me.

Rumor Has It...

To the church member who started a rumor about me,

Thank you.  No, really, thank you.  You've given me the opportunity to live out what I claim to believe.  In my monthly church newsletter last month, I wrote about the importance of finding one's identity in Christ and not allowing how other people think or what they say about you affect you, and this gave me the opportunity to see if I could really walk the walk.  To be honest, I've never really experienced people gossiping about me and, at first, I laughed it off.  I mean, seriously, who would REALLY believe anything so cruel about me, but it seems that in this culture, people will believe anything in the absence of truth.  Then, I found out that, not only had this rumor been circulating for a while, but that people were questioning whether or not my parents knew about the new "relationship".  Not only did people believe that I was an adulteress (for the second time, mind you), but they were questioning the relationship between me and my parents.

I'll admit, I was very angry when I found out that little tidbit.  I mean, how dare the church treat us this way; we deserve much better.  We're the pastor's family for goodness sake!!  We deserve love and respect, not hate and gossip.  I was up the majority of the night trying to decide what I should do. I vacillated between a few different options, making a statement on Sunday morning, writing a newsletter article, saying nothing and pretending everything was normal, and working it into a children's sermon.  None of those seemed appealing to me for various reasons, I don't want to give you, the gossip, any more attention than you deserve, but I also want to make people aware of the fact that they have hurt me with their gossip and backbiting.  I wanted justice, but more than that, I wanted vengeance.

After the initial anger wore off, I realized that I'm really no better than you.  I might not have started a rumor that had the ability to damage someone's reputation in the community, but I allowed my anger to put myself above you, which is not where I belong because, while I'm not guilty of the sin you've accused me of, I am guilty of allowing my pride to control my emotions. I am guilty of anger against you.  I am guilty of believing that I deserve to be treated better simply because I am the pastor's daughter.  I allowed myself to find my identity, not in Christ, but in the harsh words that you choose to spread about me.  I began to worry about my future, my reputation, my job, and my home.  Things seemed to be finally falling into place for me.  I love my job at the daycare, and next year I get to take over the preschool classes (one of my three-year old kids in the daycare told me today that he wants to be a big boy so he can "go to Miss Maddy's class). I could actually put to use the $60, 000 education my parents paid for. I've started a new job at the teen center, in which I am a role model for the teens in this community and as such it's important that they respect me, I began to worry that this rumor could put an end to all that I've worked so hard for.

As I was driving to work yesterday, I was reminded of what I wrote last month. Not only is my identity found in Christ, but so is my hope and my future.  While I have no desire to lose the things I have in this world, I wouldn't have them if not for God.  He created me and has put me here to grow to be more like Christ, and that growth comes as a result of suffering, the kind of suffering that you have caused with you harsh words.. So, again, I thank you. Thank you for allowing me to draw closer to Christ, to again be able to find my identity at the foot of the cross, where the only perfect person gave His life as a ransom for mine, and with whom I cannot wait to spend eternity.

Someday my Prince will come...

I recently read an article from RELEVANT Magazine about the horrible dating advice (you can read the article here: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/5-horrible-pieces-dating-advice).  As I read through this article, I was reminded of all the terrible advice I've been given.  At 33, I could count on one hand the number of men I've been on a date with, and I doubt I'd need even that many to count relationships that lasted past the first date.  That being said, I've heard a lot of advice from various people about dating, including four of the five from the RELEVANT article.  

I grew up on Disney movies like Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella, and thus I always believed that I needed a man to be complete, to be counted as worthy.  I saw movies like Snow White and believed that "Someday my prince will come...".  So I attempted to heed the advice I was given...I tried to just stop looking, to (as my mom would say) "Let go and let God".  I tried to being "hard to get"; I wore a ring on my left hand to try to get attention (seriously!!!!).  I tried to not be so picky, which turned out terribly (I blogged about it in an earlier post), but nothing lasted.

I watched my siblings, friends, co-workers and cousins pair up and marry off.  I kept wondering what I had to do to make God love me, to make Him give me what I wanted.  I tried to imitate my sister because clearly God loved her more.  Maybe if I did what she did, I would finally find my match.  I continuously compared my single life to the lives of those married folks around me and I became more and more confused.  What was I doing wrong? Maybe I needed to pray more, read my bible more, fast, join a small group, "kiss dating goodbye", go to bars, join eHarmony. I tried every piece of advice I was given, but it didn't work.  More than that, it left me in despair, struggling to find my place in a world full of couples.

So, if you have want to give me (or anyone else) dating advice... Don't tell me to trust God more, tell me why I need to trust God more. Remind me of the Gospel. Tell me who He is and who I am because of Him. Remind me that He is sovereign, that He is good, that He loves me.  Tell me how He has worked in your life. Don't just tell me what I need to do! I have been there, done that, got the t-shirt.  I I need more than a to-do list.  I need the Gospel.  I need to know that I am loved because Jesus gave His life as a substitution for mine; that I am righteous because He is righteous, that I am worthy because He makes me worthy, not because I am married.  I need to know that in His sovereignty and goodness, God has given me everything I need, that I don't need a spouse to "complete me" because that can only be found in Christ, our heavenly bridegroom.

I know the way out...

I was watching an episode from the second season of "The West Wing", a show that chronicles the lives of senior staff members in the White House.  In the first season, the deputy chief of staff, Josh Lyman, was shot as the president and staff were leaving a town hall meeting, and in this episode, Josh was suffering from PTSD and was reliving the night of the shooting.  As his behavior spins out of control (he actually yells at the president in the Oval Office!!), he is assigned to meet with (fictional) American Trauma Victims Association to discuss his erratic behavior and, ultimately, his self-destructive behavior(he put his hand through a window in his apartment).  At the end of his meeting with the trauma specialist, he meets with the chief of staff, Leo, to discuss his diagnosis and Leo tells him this story...

"This guy is walking down the street when he falls in a hole.  The walls are so steep he can't get out.  A doctor passes by, the guy shouts up, 'Hey you, can you help me out!'  The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on.  Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, 'Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out!'  The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on.  Then a friend walks by, 'Hey Joe, it's me can you help me out.', and the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says,  'Are you stupid, now we're both down here.'  The friends says, 'Yea, but I've been down here before and I know the way out'."

This story reminded me of  Galatians 6:1, where Paul tells the church in Galatia," Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently." The word "caught" in the original language has an element of surprise to it.  It reminds me of the movie "Finding Nemo". Near the end of the movie, just as Nemo and his father were reunited, Dory(the blue fish who helped reunite father and son) was just swimming along minding her own business when she was suddenly caught up in a fishing net with other fish. That's what "caught" means here in this verse.  Dory certainly wasn't looking to be in that net with other fish to be someone's dinner; it happened quickly and she was trapped with no way to free herself. Fortunately Dory had Nemo, who had heard a story about fish working together to free themselves, and immediately swims into the net to rescue Dory and all the other fish by getting them all to "swim down". His father, Marlin, immediately protests(having just been reunited with him), but Nemo insists, "It's the only way we can save Dory!".  You can sense the anxiety Marlin has in letting his newly freed son willingly put himself in danger, and it's amazing to watch as they encourage all the fish to "swim down" and "just keep swimming" and to finally see the net break and the fish swim free.

Dory and Josh were both "caught" in a situation out of their own control. They both need to be rescued from their "net", and the best person to do that is one who has fought the battle before and won because only they know the pain and frustration and only they know the best way out.  For Josh that person was Leo, a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, and for Dory it was Nemo, a little clown fish with a "lucky" fin who had heard about a group of fish defeating a fisherman by swimming down all together.

This is how we as Christians should approach a brother or sister who is "caught in a sin," understanding that they need to be rescued, sought after, restored.  As Christians, we are called to be that person for each other because God did it for us first.  He sent Jesus down into our "hole" to rescue us not because Jesus could guide us to the way out, but because Jesus is our way out.  In the Old Testament, we see that God's law required sacrifices by the Israelites to satisfy God's wrath for man's sin.  It couldn't just be any sacrifice, though, God required a lamb or bull without defect to atone for man's sinful ways.  Only Jesus could be that perfect lamb and it was only through His death on the cross that God's justice was fully satisfied and sin's hold on us finally broken.  Jesus fully satisfied God for me and for you, and because of that we are free, free to jump into holes and swim into nets to rescue our brothers and sisters because we have already been rescued.

True Love

I loved the movie Frozen. If you haven’t seen it yet, I encourage you to do so.  It is cute , funny and engaging .  My favorite line from the movie is, “Only an act of true love can thaw a frozen heart.” I immediately thought, “True love’s kiss…”, and so did the writers of the movie, and most everybody in the movie theater, but I believe true love means more than just what we see portrayed in Disney movies and other fairy tales.   

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16 , NIV

The fact that God sent Jesus to earth is definitely an act of true love, and the fact that Jesus knew his mission from the beginning of creation only adds to that love. You see, not only did Jesus have to die for our sins, but he had to live a perfect life leading up to that terrible death.  Have you ever thought about that?!  In her book, Found in Him, Elyse Fitzpatrick writes, “Jesus willingly hid himself away in Nazareth for thirty years. Generally ignored, he toiled without complaint, suffering humbly on our behalf. He lived as Jesus the child, big brother, carpenter, and single man providing for his family. He voluntarily adopted all these roles for us.”  

In the book of Leviticus, God gives the requirements for bringing different kinds of offerings to the temple...peace, sin, guilt, but all of these offerings require an animal without defects. Again, Elyse Fitzpatrick in her book, Found in Him, writes, “the entire sacrificial system of the Old Testament was simply a foreshadowing of the ‘good things to come,’ the sacrifice made on the cross of Christ.”  God only accepts a perfect animal for offering, therefore in his humanness, Jesus had to be perfect.  He had to keep all the laws, resist those 40 days of temptation in the desert with no food or water, because that was the only way his death would provide the offering God required for our sins to be forgiven. As Elyse Fitzpatrick notes, “If he had sinned even once, then his death would not have benefited us in the least.”

After living the perfect life and dying a terrible, painful death, Jesus still had to suffer the wrath of the Father, the just wrath that we rightly deserve. Imagine it...having the one person in your life that you have always been with, suddenly turn his face from you!  Oh, the pain that must’ve caused Jesus, for the first time in his life, to not be able to see the Father’s face.  He was abandoned, forsaken, all so that we could be reconciled to the Father and become Christ’s perfect bride.  Forget about Prince Charming, this act of true love is more than enough to “thaw a frozen heart.”