It's been three weeks since I put the ball in your court, and from your lack of communication, I'm assuming you've decided that this relationship isn't worth fighting for, that I wasn't worth fighting for, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry you didn't love me enough to see past my anxiety, my fears and my depression and fight. I can't say I'm surprised, but I am disappointed. I believe that when you truly love someone, you stay and fight no matter what, and I would have rather fought with you everyday to work through everything, even if it took the rest of our lives rather than lose you.
I knew that my anxiety and depression was getting worse with all the chaos at school, and I was trying to wait until the end of the school year, for things to slow down before I went to the doctor. I thought I was strong enough to handle everything on my own and I was trying to hide it all from you. Because I wanted you to love me, and I didn't think you would once you saw how broken I really was. Maybe I thought that you could save me. I just didn't want you to see me the way you saw Amy--as a burden.
That Friday we went to The Funny Bone, Karleen had just gotten angry with mfe and told me how disappointed she was with me, with my performace as a teacher. She actually got angry enough to walk away from me, so I apologized for misunderstanding what she wanted and we talked it out. That afternoon, my ECI consultant, Sarah, came for our last meeting. I told her about meeting with Karleen, hoping to get it off my chest. I told her I didn't want you to know because I didn't want to ruin our plans for your birthday, but the truth is, I felt like a failure and I didn't want you to see me that way. I wanted to be good enough for you, and I didn't think you would stay with me if you believed I was a failure.
I tried so hard to keep everything from you, pretending to be okay, maybe that's why my headache was so bad. I cried in the bathroom of the hotel that night, reliving in slow motion her words, "I'm disappointed in you". I couldn't get those words out of my head, and I never wanted to hear them from you. I wanted to be everything you wanted me to be, and I did everything I could to make you happy, hoping you wouldn't leave me once I told you about my meeting with Karleen.
I never really got that chance though because out of nowhere, suddenly we were in a fight and I had no idea where I had gone wrong. I had done everything you ever asked of me. I got tickets to The Funny Bone. I drove to Des Moines, which scared the bejesus out of me. I baked you a cake, and I hate to bake. I was the doting, supportive girlfriend at church and then boom, you were done. There's this song by John Mayer called, St. Patrick's Day. It's about a relationship where the two are only together until St. Patrick's Day because "no one wants to be alone at Christmas time, come January, we're frozen inside, making new resolutions a hundred times, February won't you be my Valentine, and we'll both be safe til St. Patrick's Day". These two were only together to get through the holidays, and I began to believe that you were only with me to get through to your birthday. I felt like a fool, like I'd been duped.
I know you felt like you couldn't be the initiator of contact after what happened and Darin took you back to Creston, and I have to admit I still wanted all of this to work out. If only I could help you understand how you hurt me. Instead, it became my fault, my problem. If only I could get better, then we'd be able to put all this behind us and move forward. The problem is, I don;t work that way. I need time to process and I needed to feel like we were in this fight together.
I actually got excited there for a while when we were talking more, thinking that we could actually make a go of it. That maybe I overreacted. Then we met for lunch, and as I got out of my car to meet you, I saw you had two bags of stuff for me. Stuff that I'd left there, and my heart sank. I felt like the only reason you wanted to see me was to get rid of this stuff, to get me out of your heart and your place for good. I tried to keep calm as we sat and ate, but I couldn't get that image out of my head. The longer we were together, the more I felt like you were just done, and all I wanted to do was run. I thought we were meeting to start over, but it felt more like goodbye.
So, I guess that's where we are. Though I wasn't expecting an immediate response, I was expecting something, anything. I was so hopeful, that I actually started keeping a list of stuff to tell you about whenever you texted me back, but you never did. I have to accept that you are done with this relationship, and Jen told me that I should just "close it", so that's my plan. I'm done fighting for someone who doesn't want me. I've bagged up all the gifts you gave me (minus the Pete the Dragon movie that I gave to Joel), and with this letter, I'm moving on. I hope you can too. I want you to be happy, to find someone who will be everything you want and need.
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