Monday, February 27, 2012

Compromise Vs. Peacemaking

As we were traveling to Des Moines on Saturday, my mom posed this question, "Isn't peacemaking the same as compromise?"  I can understand that some people would really see the two as interchangeable, but I don't.  To me compromise means that someone (usually the weaker party) gives up something just to be able to move on from the problem.  This solution leaves the relationship in turmoil and one party still stronger than the other.  The weaker party will likely continue to carry a grudge that will continue to grow until the next time the two have a confrontation.  The stronger party, on the other hand, goes on with life as ususal feeling like he won something, and may even view the other party as inferior.  Now, I'm sure some of you think that I am giving you the worst-case scenario, and I probably am.  However, think back to anytime you had to compromise with someone.  Did you feel like you gained something?  Did you feel like you lost something?  Did you feel differently about the other person at the end?  Here's where peacemaking is different...the relationship is put ABOVE the issue.  The two parties don't haggle about who has to give up what, they affirm the importance of their relationship and work to come to a solution that leaves the relationship in tact.  Peacemaking is about putting the other person's feelings and interests above your own, acknowledging you part in the conflict and seeking to restore the relationship above all else.  Typically, once one party has acknowledged their part in the conflict, the other party will do the same, and the issue will almost resolve itself because most issues are caused by our own desire to have something we can't have or didn't get.  This leads to a crack in the relationship that can continue to get bigger and eventually explode in a series of verbal assaults, unless one party decides to look inside themselves and take responsibility for their part in the conflict and agree to search for a creative solution.  But, that's just me!  Or is it?