Identity

This is not the way I envisioned my life.  I never expected to be 32 and still living with my parents.  I was supposed to be married to the perfect guy, teacher of the year at a top school, and living in the perfect house close to my family so we could spend holidays together.  I was supposed to be the envy of my siblings, the one who had it all together.  A check book that was balanced regularly, the coolest car on the market, the best of everything.  Instead, I live with my parents, work two jobs to be financially stable; I have a car that bounces around if I don't pump up the shocks regularly, that refuses to go up hills in the snow and my checkbook is far from balanced.  There are so many reasons I feel like a failure.

I am the last of three children, the baby of the family if you will.  I was never a stranger to getting my way, though sometimes it felt hard won.  I was the responsible child, the rule-follower. The child you never had to worry about sneaking out, drinking, skipping class or failing. School came easy to me, I never really struggled to complete homework or study for tests, but I never went the extra mile either. I was arrogant enough to think that I knew everything, that I was the smartest person in the room. Being smart was the only thing I had. I wasn't pretty, popular, good at sports, or band, but then came geometry.  I hated it...angles, shapes, theorems, proofs, if-then statements, it was a nightmare for someone who only saw things in black and white.  I remember failing my first geometry test, I got a 50%, and I was devastated.  I had never failed at anything.  I may not have been the best at everything, I may have been stuck in second chair in band, tied with other students academically, but I had never failed.  I was an A/B student and I would have been angry if I'd gotten a C on an assignment, so you can imagine how I felt when I saw that giant F on my test. I remember thinking how disappointed my mom would be, how she would lecture me about studying or telling me that I watch too much t.v.  How I dreaded telling her. She was disappointed, but more focused on helping me get better.  I think I hated admitting to myself that I couldn't understand something, that there was something I couldn't do.  I studied harder, and eventually pulled a C out of the class, but I have never forgotten that feeling of dread and disappointment.

I was hoping that would be my last experience with failure, but I have met many more along the way.  My freshman year of college, my first year of teaching, relationships, just to name a few.  I never understood that failure was just a regular part of life, we all have them.  You may have failed differently than I did, or your failures may have gone unnoticed by others, but we all have things we're not proud of.  Things we're glad no one else was around to see or hear.  I know I do.

Everyday, I  have to take a step back and remember that I'm not defined by my job, my bank account or other people.  I am defined by God.  He has called me to Himself, and made me an heir with Christ through his crucifixion and resurrection.  I am here to glorify Him, serve Him, grow to be like Him.  I am not here to be perfect, Christ was perfect for me.  I don't have to wallow in my failure because I know that through Him there is forgiveness, redemption, sanctification.  I can see my failures as learning opportunities, as what not to do the next time, but sometimes the devil can still get inside my head.  He sneaks in and reminds me of my past failures, calls me a terrible person and tells me that no one will ever really love me because of the things I've done.  He calls me by my sin, and I feel that pain all over again.  I have to preach the gospel to myself and remember that though God knows my sin, He has forgiven it and chosen to remember it no more.  Christ has paid the penalty for my sin, and I am made new.  I remember that though God my convict me of my sin, only the devil will use it to shame me.

Why Peacemaking?

I hate conflict.  My brain automatically goes into “fight or flight” mode.   My mind goes blank, my heart races, my palms get sweaty, my hands shake and my stomach feels queasy. I can’t speak, move or even process what is happening. My hatred (or fear) of conflict is so strong that if a movie, tv show or even a news interview gets heated, I will change the channel. When I was younger, if a classmate was being disciplined by a teacher, I would look down and try to pretend that I was anywhere else.Things only got worse when I became an adult.  I had never learned how to properly apologize to someone or to take responsibility for my own actions or feelings much less how to communicate to someone how they had hurt me.  Any problem I had became about who was to blame.  My parents, siblings, I even blamed God for making me this way. I firmly believed that if God loved me enough, if I could just be good enough, that I would never have any problems. 
When I was living in North Carolina, my doctor diagnosed me with social anxiety disorder, and put me on an antidepressant.  It helped for awhile, but it wasn’t a magic pill that just made my problems disappear. My relationships continued to suffer from my inability to apologize and talk to others about how I was feeling.  Anytime someone disappointed me, I would cut them off completely.  No need to hear apologies or explanations, they were now my enemy. I left friendships, churches and jobs.
Then a sermon Pastor Mike gave on relationships(an exposition on John C. Maxwell’s book Relationships 101) made me think I wasn’t alone in my hatred of conflict, that maybe there were others out there who had the same struggles I had. The sermon was a good foundation, but I still had questions that that sermon hadn’t answered.   I wanted to dig deeper into what scripture had to say about relationships, specifically about conflict resolution. I wanted to help people learn, understand and practice biblical principles that led to healthy relationships.  I wanted to teach what I had never been taught.  I looked into many different resources, but nothing had the biblical perspective.   There was nothing about considering glorifying God, owning my own part in a conflict or considering the other person.  I was ready to give up, but God had other plans.
We were headed to dinner one night, and as we all packed into our van, something caught my eye. On the floor of the van was a catalog for CBD, Christian Book Distributors.  It was open and I immediately noticed two books, Resolving Everyday Conflict and The Peacemaker both by Ken Sande. As I read the description for each book, I felt my prayer had been answered. I was so excited to read them, I downloaded them on my iPod as soon as we got home. 
As I began to read, I immediately saw myself in the stories Ken told.  As he described his “slippery slope of conflict”, I began to understand myself and God’s purpose for conflict more clearly.  I began to see how conflict could be something good rather than something to be avoided. I saw that conflict could be a way for God to teach and grow me while bringing me back to Him.  While I still experienced conflict,  I started to consider how I could glorify God in each situation.   I began to see conflict through the lense of the Gospel, rather than my own needs, fears and desires.  
If you find yourself struggling with relationships, I invite you to stay after church on Sunday, September 1. We will be having a “lunch and learn” after service to share more about the basic principles of peacemaking.  Classes will be Sunday mornings at 8:30, Monday mornings at 10:00, Monday nights at 6:30 and Wednesday nights at 7:00, starting Sunday, September 8.  The Wednesday night session will be doing something a little different, so I encourage those of you who have already been through the video sessions to check it out.  If these days and times don’t work for you, please email me, almaddy81@gmail.com  and I will work to find a time that suits you.
Blessings,
Amanda