Identity

This is not the way I envisioned my life.  I never expected to be 32 and still living with my parents.  I was supposed to be married to the perfect guy, teacher of the year at a top school, and living in the perfect house close to my family so we could spend holidays together.  I was supposed to be the envy of my siblings, the one who had it all together.  A check book that was balanced regularly, the coolest car on the market, the best of everything.  Instead, I live with my parents, work two jobs to be financially stable; I have a car that bounces around if I don't pump up the shocks regularly, that refuses to go up hills in the snow and my checkbook is far from balanced.  There are so many reasons I feel like a failure.

I am the last of three children, the baby of the family if you will.  I was never a stranger to getting my way, though sometimes it felt hard won.  I was the responsible child, the rule-follower. The child you never had to worry about sneaking out, drinking, skipping class or failing. School came easy to me, I never really struggled to complete homework or study for tests, but I never went the extra mile either. I was arrogant enough to think that I knew everything, that I was the smartest person in the room. Being smart was the only thing I had. I wasn't pretty, popular, good at sports, or band, but then came geometry.  I hated it...angles, shapes, theorems, proofs, if-then statements, it was a nightmare for someone who only saw things in black and white.  I remember failing my first geometry test, I got a 50%, and I was devastated.  I had never failed at anything.  I may not have been the best at everything, I may have been stuck in second chair in band, tied with other students academically, but I had never failed.  I was an A/B student and I would have been angry if I'd gotten a C on an assignment, so you can imagine how I felt when I saw that giant F on my test. I remember thinking how disappointed my mom would be, how she would lecture me about studying or telling me that I watch too much t.v.  How I dreaded telling her. She was disappointed, but more focused on helping me get better.  I think I hated admitting to myself that I couldn't understand something, that there was something I couldn't do.  I studied harder, and eventually pulled a C out of the class, but I have never forgotten that feeling of dread and disappointment.

I was hoping that would be my last experience with failure, but I have met many more along the way.  My freshman year of college, my first year of teaching, relationships, just to name a few.  I never understood that failure was just a regular part of life, we all have them.  You may have failed differently than I did, or your failures may have gone unnoticed by others, but we all have things we're not proud of.  Things we're glad no one else was around to see or hear.  I know I do.

Everyday, I  have to take a step back and remember that I'm not defined by my job, my bank account or other people.  I am defined by God.  He has called me to Himself, and made me an heir with Christ through his crucifixion and resurrection.  I am here to glorify Him, serve Him, grow to be like Him.  I am not here to be perfect, Christ was perfect for me.  I don't have to wallow in my failure because I know that through Him there is forgiveness, redemption, sanctification.  I can see my failures as learning opportunities, as what not to do the next time, but sometimes the devil can still get inside my head.  He sneaks in and reminds me of my past failures, calls me a terrible person and tells me that no one will ever really love me because of the things I've done.  He calls me by my sin, and I feel that pain all over again.  I have to preach the gospel to myself and remember that though God knows my sin, He has forgiven it and chosen to remember it no more.  Christ has paid the penalty for my sin, and I am made new.  I remember that though God my convict me of my sin, only the devil will use it to shame me.